It's Business, It's Business Time

I’m not a sad single, so why did I cry tonight.

1. I went to dinner with three close friends. Two who have been married since she was 18, and the other uprooting her life to meet her love on the other side of the world.
2. All the conversations people had tonight were about relationships, and love and how they’re love works and how good they are together or going to be together. And a little bit of theatre thrown in - let's be honest.
3. I tried to explain I liked living by myself, but there's things that make it hard.
4. I’m not meeting anyone new.
5. I went to the pub thinking ‘Maybe I might’, but our table was so insular.
6. Looking at my phone and seeing nobody has called or text.

What I learnt:

1. I gonna try only going to dinner with fun single people or my parents – there’s not gonna be any in between.
2. Refuse to engage in anyconversation about relationships. I'm finding it overwhelming and boring. And it makes me recognise my short attention span.
3. I have the best housemate. Myself. Oh and GUS - fuck yeah!
4. That I’ve put myself in a bubble and can’t meet new people.
5. I can’t find the doorway out of the bubble to get away.
6. My phone has for some unknown reason barred all of my stalkers. Which is quite a technological feat considering I didn’t have any. It would have had to conjure up boys with binoculars and window jimmying skills and then find out their numbers and put them on my do not call this. I have a snazzy phone but it doesn’t have those kinda skills.
7. It’s nice coming home to a new episode of Flight of the Conchords. It’s business time.

I am reading: Arts funding application forms.
I am listening to: The Bumblebeez
I am watching: More episodes of Flight of the Conchords download very slowly. Paint dries faster!
My latest obsession: The Flight of the Conchords
I am wondering: Why I dreamt about having sex with David Wirrapanda, and why he had tonnes of cakes in his kitchen. Was it my birthday?
Last good thing: That dream.
Last bad thing:
I have realised: I've got a hell of a lot on my plate at the moment. I thought I was a big eater of life, but I'm really starting to struggle.
I am shat off by: The fact that I was channel surfing the radio this morning and Em from 92.9 completely ripped off my brazilian waxing spot I did on 96fm. Thank god I'm not in that unoriginal, creatively stumped, poor excuse for entertainment , shite industry anymore. Bless.
I would like: A few more hours after work to do shit.
Website du jour: www.adelaidefringe.com.au
I'm a which pub: The Flying Scotsman. I'm sorry I haven't seen much of you this week. Sunday will be great though.
I'm eating: Tacos (I'm too ashamed to reveal how many)
Drinking: Brookhampton Estate wine
Wearing: The only bra that I have left and undies.
Last show: The Comedy Lounge
Next show: Kilty Pleasures, Flying Scotsman 26 Aug
Can’t wait ‘til: I've stopped stressing about funding for my show. It's gonna be months.
Most recent scoop: Gingers are going to be extinct in 100 years.
Most recent purchase: I gorgeous red shirt and black vest. Just have to work up the balls to wear it.
Want but can’t afford: Another puppy.
Need but can’t afford: A new bra.
Goal: To start nailing my scenes for LOVEPLAY (PICA Sept)
Yesterday I: Got really pissed off at myself for being useless.
Right now I should be: Learning lines

I want to meet you boys...

Andrea Simpson

This is what I would look like if I lived in Springfield.

Has anyone seen the new movie yet? I'm going on Sunday - WOOT!

Question for the boys...

Would you rather cry every time you have an erection or poop your pants every time you sneeze?

I'm bored @ work July Audit

I am reading: The Artist's Way - it's half inspiring, half a load of wank. So sometimes I feel inspired, but most of the time I feel like a wanker.
I am listening to: A CD I made for myself for when I clean my house. It features Dr. Love by The Bumblebeez, Kick It by Peaches & Iggy Pop, We Are The Night by The Chemical Brothers, Claude Von Stroke, LCD Sound System, Ben Kweller.
I want more money to buy: The t-shirt above.
I am thinking: Shit I hope my show STARKERS goes ok.
Last good deed: One of the bar staff at the Scotsman lost his motorbike gloves, I found them and returned them. I got a free beer.
Last bad one: I've been neglecting my dog Gus. I feel sooo bad. And having to leave Lindsay's Birthday party early on account of almost fainting.
Last good one done for me: My ex-boyfriend went into the city for me to buy me Diro foundation!
I am wondering: How I can get money to take my show to Adelaide Fringe, Melbourne Comedy Festival and Edinburgh next year.
People I wish could be come to my show: Simon Pegg, my friend Jane who is in Columbia, Baggas & Renae in Melbourne and my Poppy.
I have realised: That I bite the inside of my mouth when I'm anxious and nervous. I have to stop thinking about my show before my mouth is totally mutilated.
Good stuff people should indulge in: Brookhampton Estate Winery. I have it free for my Opening Night and there's bound to be left overs that I'll be indulging in.
I hate: Feeling this sick before a show.
Last random thing: I'm sick of being called 'Former 96fm Breakfast Announcer' - after this show that title has to be dropped. It's fucking embarrassing.
Any advice?: Kerry said to me last night re: my show, "Don't fuck it up"
So I am glad: People are exciting about watching me perform.

Church is only good for one thing, and it comes in a jar...

My nephew was baptised last year.

It was the second time I'd been to church in my life – my family doesn't really dig God.

I was 6 yrs old the first time I went to church and all I remember is that someone gave me a cupcake to keep me quiet. I had to sit through the entire sermon holding this cupcake and wasn’t allowed to eat it until the end. And they say Jesus suffered!

Anyway, nephews baptitty. I rock up – it’s a beautiful church in City Beach, well swanky, but the ceremony was soooo dull. I was so grossly hungover and I had no idea when to stand up, sit down, sing, say ‘Amen’. By the time it all finished I was thinking, ‘What a waste of fucking time’.

Then, on the way out I saw a table. It was covered in jars. And hanging from the table was a sign that read - ‘Holy Water - For Use At Home’.

I couldn’t help myself. I got a jar. I couldn’t resist the gingham covered lids.

I haven’t used it yet. But I keep it hidden in my bedside table. One day, when I’m incredibly hung over, and there’s no Mersyndol in the house, I know I’ll reach for the jar. If there’s one thing that can stop you head from spinning and your bedroom walls getting covered in spew, it’s holy water.