In Galway, finding a place to rest your ass is hard...

Kerry and Tim have been on a mission to find a place to live in their new home city, Galway, Ireland. And a 'mission' it is. The rental market in Perth is mental, but nothing compared to what Kez and her beef eater are faced with each week.

There is a rental paper that comes out weekly for free, but if you like, you can buy it the day before. And, EVERYBODY does. They line-up in masses, as if they were buying tickets to a Nirvana reunion concert complete with Kurt Cobain propped up on a stool at the front.

Then, Kerry and Tim truddle off and inspect several houses. People interview them. Then they get text messages saying "Sorry, we've found someone - good luck looking though!"

It's pretty soul destroying, I imagine.

Well, Miss Kerry has to keep herself happy somehow. So she just simply texts back to thank them for the opportunity:

"No worries! By the way, I heard the people you decided on like staring at you when you sleep".

Word.

26yrs and 3mths old Review

At times, this month, I've felt a bit sad. Like a fat girl with a really pretty face.

I wish the courier at work was my screensaver.

I hate the Brisbane Hotel - it smells like panties.

I like talking about the football, and I hate people who look at me like I'm an Aussie mong. Hello?! I am an Aussie mong!

Single boys in Perth don't play hard to get, they play hard to like.

The sunshine makes me feel like god is patting me on the head with his big fat hand. It's lovely.

I paid off my credit card.

I've cried uncle and given in to the fags again. My excuse: I have to smoke in the play I doing. WHATEVER!

Sometimes I wanna take my boss outside and shoot her.

I like Peaches, she gets to sing with Iggy Pop and say stuff like "Motherfuckers wanna get with me, lay with me, love with me. All right." 'Coz it's true.

Message to Kevin Rudd: Thank you for finally agreeing to go on HACK (Triple J). Now let's hold hands and skip and tell John Howard to go kill himself.

I think Kingsley Reeve is a lovely manfriend.

In October I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on..... it should be easy to do that in FreeJee. WOOT!

Letter to an Ex-Boy/friend

Hey Dimwit,

It's not about love, it's about you being interested in what I am, what I do and what I'm doing. That would be nice. It would be nice if you could do that. I have friends who do that. I don't want to talk about the weather or say "how ya doin?" to you anymore. If it's just gonna be that then, you're not my friend. You're boring. You are. The only person you're more exciting than is your mute girlfriend. If it wasn't for her, you'd even bore yourself. Sorry, but I don't have time. I don't want to have time for you. I'm kicking myself for ever trying to have time for you. Sounds a bit dramatic I know, but I could burn your face off with a blow torch or wrap the pussy of a blue bottle around your face and you'd still be be boring. No amount of drama will ever make that personality of yours more interesting. The only way you make friends is by doing impersonations. Maybe you should try to impersonate your own personality. Hang on, that was hit by a truck at age 9 wasn't it?

I'm done pretending to be conscious when you're talking to me. It uses up too much of my energy. Energy which I need for things loads more important than a silly little "let's be BFF" bullshit story.

I've made this decision, now I can live happily ever after.

Thankme very much.

From

The Friend You Can't Have

It's Business, It's Business Time

I’m not a sad single, so why did I cry tonight.

1. I went to dinner with three close friends. Two who have been married since she was 18, and the other uprooting her life to meet her love on the other side of the world.
2. All the conversations people had tonight were about relationships, and love and how they’re love works and how good they are together or going to be together. And a little bit of theatre thrown in - let's be honest.
3. I tried to explain I liked living by myself, but there's things that make it hard.
4. I’m not meeting anyone new.
5. I went to the pub thinking ‘Maybe I might’, but our table was so insular.
6. Looking at my phone and seeing nobody has called or text.

What I learnt:

1. I gonna try only going to dinner with fun single people or my parents – there’s not gonna be any in between.
2. Refuse to engage in anyconversation about relationships. I'm finding it overwhelming and boring. And it makes me recognise my short attention span.
3. I have the best housemate. Myself. Oh and GUS - fuck yeah!
4. That I’ve put myself in a bubble and can’t meet new people.
5. I can’t find the doorway out of the bubble to get away.
6. My phone has for some unknown reason barred all of my stalkers. Which is quite a technological feat considering I didn’t have any. It would have had to conjure up boys with binoculars and window jimmying skills and then find out their numbers and put them on my do not call this. I have a snazzy phone but it doesn’t have those kinda skills.
7. It’s nice coming home to a new episode of Flight of the Conchords. It’s business time.