WTF is the POINT!!!

Where the fuck are my comments, you fuckin' fucktards!

What is the point?

I quit.

In Galway, finding a place to rest your ass is hard...

Kerry and Tim have been on a mission to find a place to live in their new home city, Galway, Ireland. And a 'mission' it is. The rental market in Perth is mental, but nothing compared to what Kez and her beef eater are faced with each week.

There is a rental paper that comes out weekly for free, but if you like, you can buy it the day before. And, EVERYBODY does. They line-up in masses, as if they were buying tickets to a Nirvana reunion concert complete with Kurt Cobain propped up on a stool at the front.

Then, Kerry and Tim truddle off and inspect several houses. People interview them. Then they get text messages saying "Sorry, we've found someone - good luck looking though!"

It's pretty soul destroying, I imagine.

Well, Miss Kerry has to keep herself happy somehow. So she just simply texts back to thank them for the opportunity:

"No worries! By the way, I heard the people you decided on like staring at you when you sleep".

Word.

26yrs and 3mths old Review

At times, this month, I've felt a bit sad. Like a fat girl with a really pretty face.

I wish the courier at work was my screensaver.

I hate the Brisbane Hotel - it smells like panties.

I like talking about the football, and I hate people who look at me like I'm an Aussie mong. Hello?! I am an Aussie mong!

Single boys in Perth don't play hard to get, they play hard to like.

The sunshine makes me feel like god is patting me on the head with his big fat hand. It's lovely.

I paid off my credit card.

I've cried uncle and given in to the fags again. My excuse: I have to smoke in the play I doing. WHATEVER!

Sometimes I wanna take my boss outside and shoot her.

I like Peaches, she gets to sing with Iggy Pop and say stuff like "Motherfuckers wanna get with me, lay with me, love with me. All right." 'Coz it's true.

Message to Kevin Rudd: Thank you for finally agreeing to go on HACK (Triple J). Now let's hold hands and skip and tell John Howard to go kill himself.

I think Kingsley Reeve is a lovely manfriend.

In October I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on..... it should be easy to do that in FreeJee. WOOT!

Letter to an Ex-Boy/friend

Hey Dimwit,

It's not about love, it's about you being interested in what I am, what I do and what I'm doing. That would be nice. It would be nice if you could do that. I have friends who do that. I don't want to talk about the weather or say "how ya doin?" to you anymore. If it's just gonna be that then, you're not my friend. You're boring. You are. The only person you're more exciting than is your mute girlfriend. If it wasn't for her, you'd even bore yourself. Sorry, but I don't have time. I don't want to have time for you. I'm kicking myself for ever trying to have time for you. Sounds a bit dramatic I know, but I could burn your face off with a blow torch or wrap the pussy of a blue bottle around your face and you'd still be be boring. No amount of drama will ever make that personality of yours more interesting. The only way you make friends is by doing impersonations. Maybe you should try to impersonate your own personality. Hang on, that was hit by a truck at age 9 wasn't it?

I'm done pretending to be conscious when you're talking to me. It uses up too much of my energy. Energy which I need for things loads more important than a silly little "let's be BFF" bullshit story.

I've made this decision, now I can live happily ever after.

Thankme very much.

From

The Friend You Can't Have

It's Business, It's Business Time

I’m not a sad single, so why did I cry tonight.

1. I went to dinner with three close friends. Two who have been married since she was 18, and the other uprooting her life to meet her love on the other side of the world.
2. All the conversations people had tonight were about relationships, and love and how they’re love works and how good they are together or going to be together. And a little bit of theatre thrown in - let's be honest.
3. I tried to explain I liked living by myself, but there's things that make it hard.
4. I’m not meeting anyone new.
5. I went to the pub thinking ‘Maybe I might’, but our table was so insular.
6. Looking at my phone and seeing nobody has called or text.

What I learnt:

1. I gonna try only going to dinner with fun single people or my parents – there’s not gonna be any in between.
2. Refuse to engage in anyconversation about relationships. I'm finding it overwhelming and boring. And it makes me recognise my short attention span.
3. I have the best housemate. Myself. Oh and GUS - fuck yeah!
4. That I’ve put myself in a bubble and can’t meet new people.
5. I can’t find the doorway out of the bubble to get away.
6. My phone has for some unknown reason barred all of my stalkers. Which is quite a technological feat considering I didn’t have any. It would have had to conjure up boys with binoculars and window jimmying skills and then find out their numbers and put them on my do not call this. I have a snazzy phone but it doesn’t have those kinda skills.
7. It’s nice coming home to a new episode of Flight of the Conchords. It’s business time.

I am reading: Arts funding application forms.
I am listening to: The Bumblebeez
I am watching: More episodes of Flight of the Conchords download very slowly. Paint dries faster!
My latest obsession: The Flight of the Conchords
I am wondering: Why I dreamt about having sex with David Wirrapanda, and why he had tonnes of cakes in his kitchen. Was it my birthday?
Last good thing: That dream.
Last bad thing:
I have realised: I've got a hell of a lot on my plate at the moment. I thought I was a big eater of life, but I'm really starting to struggle.
I am shat off by: The fact that I was channel surfing the radio this morning and Em from 92.9 completely ripped off my brazilian waxing spot I did on 96fm. Thank god I'm not in that unoriginal, creatively stumped, poor excuse for entertainment , shite industry anymore. Bless.
I would like: A few more hours after work to do shit.
Website du jour: www.adelaidefringe.com.au
I'm a which pub: The Flying Scotsman. I'm sorry I haven't seen much of you this week. Sunday will be great though.
I'm eating: Tacos (I'm too ashamed to reveal how many)
Drinking: Brookhampton Estate wine
Wearing: The only bra that I have left and undies.
Last show: The Comedy Lounge
Next show: Kilty Pleasures, Flying Scotsman 26 Aug
Can’t wait ‘til: I've stopped stressing about funding for my show. It's gonna be months.
Most recent scoop: Gingers are going to be extinct in 100 years.
Most recent purchase: I gorgeous red shirt and black vest. Just have to work up the balls to wear it.
Want but can’t afford: Another puppy.
Need but can’t afford: A new bra.
Goal: To start nailing my scenes for LOVEPLAY (PICA Sept)
Yesterday I: Got really pissed off at myself for being useless.
Right now I should be: Learning lines

I want to meet you boys...

Andrea Simpson

This is what I would look like if I lived in Springfield.

Has anyone seen the new movie yet? I'm going on Sunday - WOOT!

Question for the boys...

Would you rather cry every time you have an erection or poop your pants every time you sneeze?

I'm bored @ work July Audit

I am reading: The Artist's Way - it's half inspiring, half a load of wank. So sometimes I feel inspired, but most of the time I feel like a wanker.
I am listening to: A CD I made for myself for when I clean my house. It features Dr. Love by The Bumblebeez, Kick It by Peaches & Iggy Pop, We Are The Night by The Chemical Brothers, Claude Von Stroke, LCD Sound System, Ben Kweller.
I want more money to buy: The t-shirt above.
I am thinking: Shit I hope my show STARKERS goes ok.
Last good deed: One of the bar staff at the Scotsman lost his motorbike gloves, I found them and returned them. I got a free beer.
Last bad one: I've been neglecting my dog Gus. I feel sooo bad. And having to leave Lindsay's Birthday party early on account of almost fainting.
Last good one done for me: My ex-boyfriend went into the city for me to buy me Diro foundation!
I am wondering: How I can get money to take my show to Adelaide Fringe, Melbourne Comedy Festival and Edinburgh next year.
People I wish could be come to my show: Simon Pegg, my friend Jane who is in Columbia, Baggas & Renae in Melbourne and my Poppy.
I have realised: That I bite the inside of my mouth when I'm anxious and nervous. I have to stop thinking about my show before my mouth is totally mutilated.
Good stuff people should indulge in: Brookhampton Estate Winery. I have it free for my Opening Night and there's bound to be left overs that I'll be indulging in.
I hate: Feeling this sick before a show.
Last random thing: I'm sick of being called 'Former 96fm Breakfast Announcer' - after this show that title has to be dropped. It's fucking embarrassing.
Any advice?: Kerry said to me last night re: my show, "Don't fuck it up"
So I am glad: People are exciting about watching me perform.

Church is only good for one thing, and it comes in a jar...

My nephew was baptised last year.

It was the second time I'd been to church in my life – my family doesn't really dig God.

I was 6 yrs old the first time I went to church and all I remember is that someone gave me a cupcake to keep me quiet. I had to sit through the entire sermon holding this cupcake and wasn’t allowed to eat it until the end. And they say Jesus suffered!

Anyway, nephews baptitty. I rock up – it’s a beautiful church in City Beach, well swanky, but the ceremony was soooo dull. I was so grossly hungover and I had no idea when to stand up, sit down, sing, say ‘Amen’. By the time it all finished I was thinking, ‘What a waste of fucking time’.

Then, on the way out I saw a table. It was covered in jars. And hanging from the table was a sign that read - ‘Holy Water - For Use At Home’.

I couldn’t help myself. I got a jar. I couldn’t resist the gingham covered lids.

I haven’t used it yet. But I keep it hidden in my bedside table. One day, when I’m incredibly hung over, and there’s no Mersyndol in the house, I know I’ll reach for the jar. If there’s one thing that can stop you head from spinning and your bedroom walls getting covered in spew, it’s holy water.

"Party, Party, Party - that's our image"

I was speaking to my cousin yesterday and she works with a girl that did ‘party boobs’ on the weekend.

Well, I didn’t know either. Until yesterday.

Party boobs, are when you get saline injected into your breasts and they get really big like you’ve had implants. But then it wears off in a few days. Gives the saying ‘Having a big night out’ a new meaning doesn’t it.

The saline is a natural product, something that's already in our bodies, so apparently you don't have any risk of allergy or adverse effect. Apparently it’s been available for a couple of years.

So you can just go to your doctors,and have your boobs pumped up. Just like going to the servo and getting your tyres pumped up.

But it scares me – what if it’s like tyres – what happens if you pump one up a bit much and you have a blowout!

It scares me. Imagine what would happen if you’re making love and Bang - you go skidding off the bed. And one of your boobs flies and hits the wall.


I don’t think our doctors have thought this through enough.

I'm gonna learn me some new words...

I don't a have a particularly strong vocabulary. It's pretty weak. It's like little choir boy arms. But I'm gonna fix this. HOW? Give myself 3 - 5 new words a week to use as frequently as I can. To the right is the first list of words I am going to start with. But after this week, I'll be taking suggestions from all you bookbusters. Give me some big wanky words guys!

My Commercial Radio Holiday of Death

I remember interviewing Judith Lucy in my first month doing breakfast radio last year. She was in Perth touring her show 'I Failed!'. It was about the time she spent doing breaky on Sydney's 2day FM.

She's was a great interview and quite perky (for Judith Lucy), but off air when we were talking I told her I'd just started doing radio. She just looked at me and shook her head and said "You poor thing Andrea". At the time it didn't really register what she met. I was still so fresh faced, and twenty years her junior I thought I could tackle anything. But she had said it with such incredible sympathy. And then, just before she hopped into the lift, she gave me a hug. It was at that point when I thought - shit....Judith Lucy just gave me a hug! .... what the fuck is going to happen to me!

The week after she was in Perth, The Age printed an article which Lucy had written about the radio industry. Everything she said was so remarkably true. I'm sure some people might like to think she has a chip on her shoulder - but I've met her and it's simply not the case. She is truthful and completely honest about her time in the business.

When asked why she got into breakfast radio she openly admits, "Stupidity and greed". Those are definately two of the reason i found myself there. Cash! Obviously it was the most money I've ever been offered in my life. But in saying that, I was determined to never sacrifice my soul or as Judith likes to put it.... "your first born".

Anyway, quite a few people have been asking me about my time on 96fm and I've been having a hard time explaining because I don't want people to think I'm bitter. Because it's quite the opposite. The feelings I've had in the last week since being away from the industry have been overwhelmingly good. I'm so proud of myself and really bloody excited about what lies ahead. It's all up to me what I do and it feels amazing!

Who knows, maybe I'll start crashing down next week. But, let it happen. I would rather be sitting in the pub crying on my friends shoulders, than sitting in a meeting watching some poor fucker be made to do push-ups on the board room table infront of all their other work mates.

Life's pretty sweet away from all that.

Anyway, below is a link to the article Judith Lucy wrote last year. She sums it up beautifully.

http://www.theage.com.au/news/tv--radio/cult-radio/2006/04/04/1143916529492.html

It all starts now.